Reverse Spooning or Surviving Your Girlfriend's PTSD
by iworkwithpens
Summary: The course of true love never did run smooth. Will and Mac have finally worked things out or at least they thought they had until Mackenzie's nightly escapades turn dangerous for Will.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I think I may have taken two prompts from Lilacmermaid over on LiveJournal. Mainly, I'm borrowing the when Mac is at her most upset, the only way she can sleep is spooned up behind Will, her face buried in the back of his neck prompt. But I guess I'm also mixing in the whole their physical relationship has changed prompt a little too. Thanks for the inspiration. Oh and of course The Newsroom still doesn't belong to me.**

Will knew when they got back together things would be different. They couldn't just pick up where they left off. Well, in all honesty, who would want to pick up where they left off? He distinctly remembers screaming a few off color phrases at her and then going silent. Willing her to leave the apartment before he did anything he would regret. He had always feared becoming his father's son. He had avoided that for 40 odd years, and he wasn't going to let Mackenzie cheating on him change that. He left the apartment before he let that happen, thank God. He didn't see her or speak to her again for over three years.

When she returned he was stunned to say the least. Sure, he was damn shocked that she was there, but that wasn't the stunning part. He was stunned that he still felt something for her. Something besides hate. He wasn't quite sure what at the time, but there was something there in the general vicinity of his heart that was telling him to listen to her.

And listen to her he did. Revamped an entire show because he listened to her. Went after Leona Lansing's friends because he listened to her. Got a few more death threats because he listened to her. Fell in love with her again because whenever he listened to her it was his downfall. She had this way of getting him riled up and excited about anything she talked about. Her unyieldingly optimistic view of how journalism could save the world sucked him in every time. It didn't hurt that it all rolled off her tongue in the most beautiful, lilting accent he had ever heard. And it also didn't hurt that he'd always had a thing for tall brunettes with long legs. Let's face it, the whole package. That's what Mackenzie McHale was for him. Always had been, always would be.

So now, here they were. It had taken nearly two years for them to work through all their shit and get to this point. They were officially _back together_. As in, dating for four months, living together for the last two weeks, and had informed human resources and signed all the necessary documents. They couldn't get more official unless they got married, which he sometimes secretly longed for, but was sometimes terrified to rock the boat. But hey, he had her here with him. In his bed at night, and together at work everyday. What more could he ask for?

Ok, there was one more thing he could ask for. A little guidance on the issue of sleeping with the woman you once knew like a book, but who now has a serious problem with spooning and certain sexual positions. Not always, just occasionally. And that's where the confusion lies for Will.

Things could be going so well for a few days or a couple of weeks and then bam, in the middle of the night he gets an elbow to the ribs when he reaches around Mackenzie's waist to pull her against him. And she has some bony little elbows. If this didn't stop soon he was going to be doing the nightly news from the orthopedic ward of the hospital.

He was getting desperate. He hadn't really seen all that much of Dr. Habib since he and Mac had worked things out. The man had helped them through a lot. He and Mackenzie had even struggled through several sessions together in order to mend their broken relationship. Will respected the man and owed him some gratitude, but he just couldn't imagine talking to Doogie Houser, M.D. about getting the crap kicked out of him in bed with Mackenzie. Had it come to this?

Two weeks later Will had that question answered for him when Mackenzie gave him a black eye at about 2:30 in the morning. What he had done, he had no idea.

"Damn it Mac, what the hell?!" he roared from his side of the bed.

"Will…what's wrong?" came the sleepy voice next to him.

"I have to be on the air in about fifteen hours…probably just in time for my eye to be swollen shut" he replied.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you socking me in the eye, that's what I'm talking about!"

He heard more than saw the lamp being switched on from Mackenzie's side of the bed, as he was still holding his hand over his face.

"I did that?" Mackenzie asked meekly.

"Yeah, you did that Mackenzie…and it's not the first time, so maybe we could try to figure out why you're repeatedly beating the shit out of me in your sleep? I'm starting to think your subconscious didn't really want us back together." Will left the room in search of an icepack in hopes of being presentable for work by 8pm tonight. Either make-up was going to have to do one hell of a job or Elliot would be filling in for him tonight.

As he stood next to the refrigerator holding some frozen peas to his eye, Mac appeared near the bar.

"I'm sorry" she said quietly.

"I know you are" he replied walking toward her and pulling her into his side. "But we have to figure out why you're doing this before the next TMI cover story is about our abusive relationship."

"There is no TMI anymore" Mackenzie whispered.

"That's not the point and you know it Mac."

"I know…I honestly have no idea what happened. You have to believe me Will. There's nothing else in this world I wanted more than another chance with you and I got it. You can't possibly believe I have some deep seated need to run you off now?" She had begun pacing the length of the kitchen as she said this.

"No, I don't think that Mackenzie, but I think that whatever is going on needs to be dealt with or we are seriously going to have to consider separate bedrooms."

"Well then, get me to the shrink as soon as possible. We've wasted too much time and waded through too much crap to end up sleeping apart now."

"Is that what you think you need Mac? If that's it I'm right there with you, if you want me to be. Or I'll be here at home waiting for you if you need to do this by yourself?" As he said this he caught her hands in his and stopped her pacing.

"I don't have the first clue what I need Will…until tonight I had no idea I was abusing my significant other on a regular basis."

"Semi-regular" he replied.

"What do you mean semi-regular?"

"You can go for days or weeks without so much as a tap and then suddenly my night seems like a professional wrestling match. I've been trying to figure out a pattern. At first I thought it was just when you were over tired."

"I'm always over tired" Mackenzie replied.

"Yeah aren't we all. But no Mac, not just a really long day or week, but exhaustion. But then it happened once after we'd been away all weekend in the Hamptons. You'd slept like a baby for two days, then I got an elbow to the ribs on Sunday night. I honestly can't figure out what the hell set you off."

"Why didn't you tell me this before Billy?"

"I don't know…things were going so well. We'd worked so hard to put everything back together. Hell, if anyone ever told me I'd be doing couples counseling before we were technically even a couple again I would have laughed in their face and told them that was about as likely as me voting for Michelle Bachman for President."

"Ok, I get the point. But apparently I've been doing this for months now. Were you going to start sneaking out of the bedroom at night to sleep on the couch and then sneak back in before I woke in the morning?"

"I don't know Mac. I don't know what I was planning. I guess I was hoping this would go away or that I'd figure out what was causing it. I'm not trying to bring up a sore subject here, but am I the only person this has happened with?"

"Are you asking me if I regularly kick the asses of all the men I sleep with or if I only enjoy kicking your ass?"

"Diplomatic as ever Ms. McHale" Will replied. "I know you didn't previously enjoy beating me in my sleep. So I guess I'm asking if this is a new thing in the last five years?"

"I didn't really _sleep_ with anyone that often since you Will."

"Look Mac, I'm not asking you to detail every sexual encounter for me, I'm just asking …" he trailed off.

"I know what you're asking Billy. And I'm telling you that, while yes I did have sex with Brian while you and I were together, and yes I had sex with Wade when he and I dated, I haven't actually spent an entire night with anyone since you and I were together. So I can't really compare experiences for you."

"What?" he asked slightly shocked.

"I may have spent a few hours in bed with Wade if we didn't get to one of our apartments until quite late, but I'm fairly certain I haven't spent more than four hours in a bed with someone since you and I split. And I don't seem to recall him leaving my place with a black eye."

"Ok, then it is just me. Well, this didn't use to happen, Mac. So either you still have some unresolved issues with what happened between us or…" he stopped abruptly. He could suddenly see her sitting in the sunroom of their rented house in the Hamptons as clearly as if they were still there. It had been their first real vacation together since they had reconciled. They had had a wonderful extended weekend together sailing, walking the beach, eating at all the wonderful little seaside restaurants and spending long lazy afternoons together. He didn't think either one of them had felt so relaxed in five years. It was exactly what they needed. That was why he had been so surprised when Mackenzie kicked him in the shin in the middle of the night. Had he not woken up and stopped her next blow he likely would have been rendered impotent by her left foot as it headed straight for his groin. He hadn't expected her to have this issue here. Like he had told her just moments ago, the previous couple of times something like this had happened Mackenzie had been exhausted. He had just assumed her overly tired subconscious hadn't quite caught up with the fact that they were back together again. Perhaps occasionally she was still startled that someone was in the bed with her and she lashed out. He had hoped it would pass, but that weekend and the incident tonight were showing him that was unlikely.

But his mind sent him back to that picture of her in the sunroom. He had been making dinner for them in the kitchen. It was going to be awhile. He was making sauce and bread from scratch, so Mackenzie settled into the large overstuffed chair in the sunroom intent on catching up with every newspaper, magazine and 60 Minutes episode she had missed over the last few years. Things she hadn't seen while in Pakistan and things she had missed while working herself to death preparing their own shows. While most journalists try their best to keep up with other journalists work, a lot of things can fall by the wayside when you're working fifteen hour days and trying to build a new relationship with your old boyfriend. And that's when the first stirrings of realization hit Will. He could remember coming into the sunroom at one point to offer her some wine and she had been staring at the television screen blankly watching a 60 Minutes interview from more than a year ago. It was the Lara Logan interview. The one detailing the attack on the female journalist while covering the uprising in Egypt. Now that Will thought back on it, so much of what Mackenzie had read or watched that day had probably had to do with the Arab Spring and with the goings on in the Middle East. God, how could he have been so stupid, so blind? If he thought back to the other times Mackenzie had lashed out they had probably been working on a story about the Middle East or an attack on a journalist or a westerner caught in the warzone.

"Or what Billy?" Mackenzie asked, snapping him back to the present.

"Nothing Mac. Ok, not nothing. I think maybe I have an idea. Just let me roll it around in my head for a bit before I stick my foot in my mouth ok?" he asked her.

"Ok, but Will? Promise me we'll work this out, whatever it is?" Mackenzie asked him uncertainly. He hated that she could still feel so unsure of their future together. He pulled her to him and tucked her head under his chin.

"Of course we will. We didn't come this far to split up because you become the Tasmanian Devil when you fall asleep. We'll deal with it Mac, I promise."

**Continue? I sort of had a plan for further chapters but got kind of caught up in this one. Is it worth it?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Thank you so much to all who have reviewed my first two stories. Like I said I'm a newbie to writing fanfic so encouragement helps. Hope I'm not rating this wrong, I think I feel comfortable still sticking with a T rating. I think we're working towards an M rating in this story, but not quite sure I have M writing in me. I'm working on it. Keep your fingers crossed. As always, I don't own The Newsroom. Aaron Sorkin and HBO do.**

Mackenzie awoke feeling groggy and confused the next morning. The sun was not helping her headache and she was cold and achy. That probably had something to do with the fact that her own personal furnace had inched away from her during the night. She really couldn't blame him. Apparently, Will had also become her own personal punching bag since they had gotten back together. God, when was she going to stop hurting him?

Waking up, cocooned in his arms had been the safest she had ever felt in her life. She longed for that feeling when she was in Pakistan. Some nights, pretending he was there with her was the only way she got any sleep. Some nights, remembering what she had lost kept her awake till dawn.

But now she had that back, had him back, why in the hell was she putting that in jeopardy by pushing him away in her sleep? Ok, beating him away in her sleep. Of all the things to do to Will. First she betrays him (just like his father) and now she hits him (just like his father). When she set out to do something she sure put all her might into it, didn't she? She couldn't possibly remind him more of his abusive childhood if she tried. She stared out the window at the New York skyline and tried to keep her tears quiet enough that she wouldn't wake Will. Too late.

She felt him inch his way closer to her side of the bed.

"I'm awake. I promise I'm not planning on giving you a matched set of black eyes" Mackenzie whispered to him. She felt him sidle his way up right behind her. They used to wake that way all the time, spooned together looking forward to the day, and yet still not quite ready to leave the warm confines of each other's arms and of the bed. She had just been getting that back. Was she, were _they_ going to have to give up that lovely feeling for fear of the bodily harm she may do to him?

"Hey I've got a weapon…I came prepared" Will quietly whispered into her ear.

"Yeah, I can feel your weapon…are you sure you want it anywhere near me right now? I'm liable to permanently incapacitate you from what I hear?"

He rolled her over to look at him. "Mackenzie, I know you have no control over what's happening. I actually tried to wake you once."

"What happened?" she asked him.

"Well, first you tried to smack me…but then you seemed to realize it was me. You told me that we should do this more often. I assumed you meant sleep together, since it was still pretty early after we had gotten back together."

He had begun to sleepily caress her neck, planting kisses along her jawline. Just as his hands began to wander underneath her pajama top, Mackenzie interrupted him.

"So what was this epiphany you had last night Billy?"

"What? I had an epiphany?" He was obviously hoping she would just want to forget about the damage she had inflicted, but how could she? That black eye was literally staring her right in the face? And she wasn't a keep your eyes closed the entire time you're having sex kinda girl. He stopped his ministrations.

"Yes, Will you had an epiphany…or an idea or an ah-ha moment…whatever the hell you want to call it…you seemed to come to some sort of realization about our current situation last night…so spill."

"Damn, Mac you sure can spoil the mood when you want to you know that?" Will grumbled.

"Yeah well, for all I know this theory involves us having sex. You know we did have a particularly energetic round last night before bed. Is that your big theory? I have an orgasm or two and I become a psychotic news anchor beater a few hours later? Cause if that's the case we're in big trouble. We either stop having sex or you start doing the news while wearing a paper bag over your head?" Mackenzie was teasing him now, or trying to. Trying to interject some humor into this situation.

He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him. "No, Mac…I haven't noticed a pattern where sex is concerned. Well, not really anyway. It certainly isn't what starts these episodes. In fact, once you nearly smacked me when I tried to wake you in your office. We weren't even really back together yet. At the time I just thought I startled you…I didn't think it was about to become a regular occurrence."

"Ok, then are you going to tell me what you _did_ figure out last night?" Mackenzie asked him. She wasn't sure she wanted to know. He seemed to be hedging his bets. Parceling out the information bit by bit and hoping she could handle it…they could handle it. She grabbed his right hand and clutched it to her chest. What if the big realization he had come to was that this just wasn't going to work? But no, he had promised her they were going to work this out. Will never lied to her, not about anything really important anyway. Ok, there was that whole engagement ring fiasco, but that was before they were back together. They had worked through all that crap with Dr. Habib. They were on much stronger footing now. Maybe stronger than they ever had been. They could get through this, she knew they could. Now if only her subconscious would agree.

Just then the phone on Will's nightstand began ringing. He gave her a quick squeeze before he rolled away from her and reached for the phone. She didn't listen to most of the call but she heard him tell whoever it was that they would be there within the hour. It had to be work.

"Sorry to cut this short, love but our presence is requested in Charlie's office and he didn't sound real patient about it" Will informed her. When she didn't respond Will pulled her to him again.

"I promise Mackenzie, I'm not keeping anything from you and I'm not trying to avoid the subject and just hope it goes away. We did that kind of crap before and look where it got us, right?"

She just burrowed her face further into his chest. She loved their life and she loved her job, but sometimes, like right now, all she wanted to do was crawl inside of him so she could be sure they would never be separated again. How ironic that _she_ was what was separating them, or her sleeping mind anyway. She dragged her head up from his chest and stared into his eyes.

"Ok, let's get moving then. But I'm not going to wait too much longer to hear about this great epiphany oh enlightened one" Mackenzie teased as she pushed him from the bed.

"We'll talk at lunch, assuming all hell hasn't broken loose at work. In the meantime, don't you think we should shower together to conserve water?" Will looked at her with pleading eyes.

"I think we long ago established that you and I showering together does not save water…quite the contrary in fact, William" Mackenzie warned sternly.

"Oh God, please don't start with the William thing again…I swear it works better than a cold shower Kenz. I can still hear my mother's voice calling me to dinner when you say that. And I really don't want to think of my mother while I'm watching you get undressed. Keep that up and I really will owe Habib over a hundred grand for therapy."

Will continued to complain as he got into the shower very much alone while Mackenzie went to start coffee.

"You better have come up with something good William Duncan McAvoy" she thought to herself. "We are not screwing this up now."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Still don't own The Newsroom, just borrowing my favorite two people for a little while. I promise to return them (mostly) unharmed.**

The streets of New York flew past her view from inside the large SUV. Mackenzie still hadn't gotten used to being driven to work by a bodyguard. Sure that bodyguard was there for Will, but since they now lived together this whole situation changed her life as well. Really, how ridiculous would it have been for her to leave the building and hail a cab to go to the same place that this lovely little mobile tank was going?

At first, they had still made a show of arriving at the office separately…but once HR and all relevant upper management had been informed, it really seemed silly for two people closer to 55 than to 25 to try and have some sort of clandestine office affair. And anyway, Jim later informed her there had been an office pool for some time. Various office pools actually. Will they kill each other or kiss each other first? Maggie had won that one apparently. When was the second 'first date'? Sloan took that pot, although many in the office felt she had some sort of unfair advantage. That she was hearing more from Mackenzie than she was letting on. Sloan told Neal to get a life and stop snooping into hers and just give her the damn money already. Then there were the are they living together and are they getting married polls? By the time these two started even Will was aware of what was going on, so he, in no uncertain terms, told the entire staff to mind their own damn business. He also told them to "leave me and my girlfriend alone." This part was said with a smile and a wink to everyone in the conference room as he grabbed Mackenzie's hand and tugged her into the hallway.

So, by now they were old news.

As Mackenzie and Will entered the building that morning a few passersby took his picture as Lonny watched for any suspicious activity. The elevator ride up to the newsroom was silent, as had been the drive. It was beginning to become oppressively silent.

"For God's sake Mac…I can hear the wheels turning. Would you just give it a rest for a bit?" Will whispered loudly.

"I think he can still hear you Will. The staged whisper doesn't really work in a lift" Mackenzie answered him back in an equally staged whisper.

"You know _he_, which I'm assuming is _me_ can, in fact hear you. I'm a bodyguard not David Copperfield. I can't just disappear for your convenience. At least not in a closed elevator. If you two are discussing something you don't want me to hear I suggest you do it when you are not within two feet of me" Lonny said dryly. "But if you want to discuss how Will got that shiner, feel free you two. I always knew you and I should be together Mackenzie" Lonny teased.

"Sorry Lonny, Will is just a little cranky this morning. Something about me reminding him of his mother and how that image prevents him from doing certain…"

"Ok Mackenzie, I get it. We'll stop talking about it for right now. Could you just try to let this whole thing go until lunch. I told you we would talk. Stop trying to figure out what I'm going to say before then. It's not like it's going to involve jellyfish or something" Will said as they arrived at their floor and he tapped her behind to shove her out into the hallway.

Charlie met them in the hallway and guided them both to his office before they had a chance to be claimed by others seeking their attention.

"What's so urgent that you had to call us at 6am and tell us to get our asses in here?" Will asked his boss.

"Well I was going to tell you that Reese Lansing no longer wants us to cover the News of the World phone hacking scandal or the hearings in front of Parliament and I bet you can guess why…but now I'm thinking the more urgent part of this meeting is that the voice and face of ACN news joined Fight Club over the weekend. What the hell happened to your face Will!" Charlie yelled.

"I joined Fight Club over the weekend" Will replied sarcastically.

"No he didn't Charlie…Will and I" Mackenzie started, but Will cut her off.

"We can talk about it later Charlie. We'll do the rundown for today…include Elliot and Don in as much of it as possible. I'm holding out hope that if I keep ice on it the swelling will subside enough for make-up to cover it by 8pm. If not, Elliot will have to fill in for me."

"I guess that will have to do won't it? But if this is going to be an ongoing thing between you two then figure it the hell out!" Charlie warned.

"It's not what you think Charlie…it was an accident" Mackenzie replied sadly.

"We're working on it Charlie, don't worry" Will said as he took Mackenzie's hand in his. "Meantime, I'm not going to back off on a story everyone is going to report. Doesn't Reese realize that doing that might be more glaringly obvious than just inserting a two minute clip in the D block? Look, he knows we know what he did. But he also knows that we can't really hold it over his head forever. We became accomplices the second we didn't take our suspicions to the FBI. Tell him I said that, that is if your office isn't bugged and he already knows."

"All right, then. Get out of here you two. Keep me informed on who will be hosting NewsNight tonight please" Charlie called after them as they left his office.

The morning progressed as well as could be expected, aside from the constant Mike Tyson jokes and the nervous glances from staffers wondering whether Will's appearance was something they should joke about at all.

By the time lunch rolled around, they were both ready to throw in the towel and let Elliot and Don do the show so they could just go home. Will's eye was throbbing, there was no way he was going to be able to go on the air and both he and Mackenzie were exhausted.

When Will entered her office looking miserable, Mackenzie phoned Jim and told him he was in charge of the rest of the preparation for tonight's show. She gathered all her notes to give to him, told him to tell Don what was happening and collected her and Will's things. Lonny met them at the elevator to escort them home.

"We don't have anything to eat at home" Will whined in the car.

"This is New York. We'll order in" Mackenzie responded as she pulled his head down into her lap and ran her nails through his hair. He loved it when she did that.

They entered the apartment silently. Will dropped onto the large sofa with a sigh while Mackenzie gathered take out menus and began looking for something they hadn't had in a while.

"Ok, I give. We don't do well with not discussing our problems. Today was like an exercise in torture. We should have just taken the day off and worked some things out" Will said from his reclined position on the sofa. He held his hand out to her silently asking her to join him.

"Yeah, we should have. But you wanted to think about some things for a while. Did you come to any conclusions?" Mackenzie asked him as she curled up next to him on the sofa.

"Reese Lansing is an asshole, you have a hell of a right hook and I think you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" Will said this all as quickly as he could before he lost his nerve.

"Yes he is, I learned it from my father and could you repeat that last part?" Mackenzie queried, holding herself completely still next to him.

"I think you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Mackenzie. I got to thinking about it last night. Like I told you, my first thought was that when these episodes happened you were overly tired or maybe that you just weren't used to having somebody in bed with you again. But that's not it Mac. What were you working on yesterday? The Pakistani intelligence story. Two weeks ago when you elbowed me in the ribs, you were working on a follow up story about Daniel Pearl's family and how they were doing ten years after his abduction and murder in Pakistan. Starting to see a pattern here Mac? Cause I am."

"I do not have PTSD Billy. It's been five years. I'm fine. I work at a highly stressful job, keep incredibly long hours and have a rather challenging romantic history. Maybe all the stress just has my sleep disturbed a little. I can talk to Dr. Habib about a sleeping pill. I'm sure I just need to work on getting to bed a little earlier and eating better. Besides, you listed two times a story about Pakistan or violence may have caused one of these incidents…_two times_ Billy. That's not exactly a compelling argument. What about in the Hamptons? You said yourself, we were well rested and away from work. So what happened then Billy? What happened then?" Mackenzie was practically shouting at him by this point. She had gotten up and started pacing the length of the room.

"The Lara Logan interview happened then Mackenzie" he responded. "You had been reading newspapers and magazines all day, catching up on things you had missed. Probably half of it was about the Arab Uprising. Then you finished the evening with the 60 Minutes piece on Lara Logan's attack in Egypt. It would be hard to find a more perfect way to remind you of your attack."

"You know, this shit is the kind of thing that men use to keep women out of combat or the Oval Office. Just because I'm a woman I can't cover a war zone without coming home with PTSD? We're just too emotional to handle the really tough assignments? Well that's bollocks Billy and you know it! Did you think you could have done a better job? Wanna try it sometime? You go live in squalor for twenty-six months, you fear for your life everyday, you watch co-workers get shot and die around you and tell me you wouldn't come back a little worse for wear. But that does not mean I have a psychiatric disorder William McAvoy!" And with this, she stomped off toward the bedroom and slammed the door.

"That went well. Dinner for one I guess?" Will mumbled to the now empty room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: This chapter is a bit shorter, but I thought I'd just finish it and get it out there. This story seems to be moving at a snail's pace here…at the rate I'm going it's going to take 10 chapters just to get these two to the doctor and get them through one session. I just have so much stuff in my head concerning what these two are thinking about during this whole PTSD thing. So every time I sit down to write I end up writing yet another chapter about what's going on in their heads and I never actually get them to Dr. Habib's office. Sorry for that…let me know if the story is dragging along too much. As always, thanks for the amazing reviews guys. And of course, I don't own The Newsroom or any of its wonderful characters.**

Will McAvoy did not do inaction well. When something was bothering him he barreled ahead. This trait had carried him far in life. Abusive father at home…well then, young Will decided he better do everything he could to get out of that house as quickly as possible. Of course, by the time he actually graduated from high school (a year early) his father had long since abandoned them. That didn't really matter though. Home, in a tiny house, in an even tinier Nebraska town, was not where he wanted to be.

When he and Mackenzie split, Will threw himself into work. Ok, so he wasn't exactly doing groundbreaking stuff without her around to kick some sense into him, but he was working. Night and day he worked to get her out of his head. Soon, he was the face of ACN News.

Right now, all Will wanted to do was throw himself into something that would keep his mind off the fact that Mackenzie had locked herself in their bedroom over an hour ago and he hadn't heard a peep from her since. Quiet Mackenzie scared him. Quiet Mackenzie meant one of two things: she was either really pissed off or she was scared shitless. Actually, right now he was betting it was a little of both.

He had spent the last hour cleaning up the kitchen and ordering them some take out. He'd made a few phone calls and had now moved on to folding a basket of Mackenzie's laundry that had been sitting on top of the dryer for nearly a week. Good lord, it was all underwear and socks…lots and lots of them. Every single pair of knickers the woman owned had to be in this basket. Wait…then what was she wearing right now? Not the time McAvoy, his brain told him. Do not get distracted by the idea of Mackenzie's underwear or lack thereof.

Ok, what to do next? Usually he would say work, but he was currently sidelined from news anchoring due to the rather sizeable shiner his significant other had given him. He could try to do some research for upcoming shows, but he was pretty sure he had left his laptop on the bureau in their bedroom this morning. Meaning it was currently locked in there with Mackenzie.

"For God's sake, you're a grown man...in your own damn apartment…just go in there and talk to her" he quietly pushed himself.

He grabbed the laundry basket and headed down the hallway. Hey, the door wasn't locked after all.

He pushed it open and peered inside. Mackenzie was curled into a ball in the armchair by the balcony doors.

"Is it safe for me to enter? And before you fling something at me, just remember if I get another black eye _you_ are explaining it to Charlie" Will called to her from across the room.

"I'm not going to hit you Will." Her voice sounded strained and harsh, as if she had spent most of her time in here crying. Damn, he hated a crying Mackenzie almost more than he hated quiet Mackenzie.

"I ordered Chinese…from the place you like, not the place I like" he offered.

"Why do you think I have PTSD? Are you so sure that's it? I mean it could be a hundred different things Will? Does it automatically have to be something catastrophic? Why is it when you can't sleep it's just the bacon talking, but when I can't sleep we need to call the shrink?" Mackenzie asked him as she kept her gaze focused outside. Will dropped the laundry basket on the bed and moved to stand behind the chair Mackenzie was occupying.

"Because Mac, this isn't a one time thing. You didn't just have a few bad nights of insomnia. We're not functioning normally here anymore. If you really want to ignore this, you have every right. I love you dearly and I'm worried about what's happening to you, but I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. That's not the kind of relationship we have Mackenzie." Will leaned over to drop a kiss to the top of her head.

"And hey, it was the shrink who figured out it was the bacon that was keeping me awake. Maybe he'll do the same for you?" Will teased her.

"So, who's calling Habib?" Mackenzie asked him.

"Would you give me another black eye if I told you I had already called him?" Will asked her sheepishly.

"William, what happened to I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do?" Mackenzie shouted. He grabbed her hands and pulled her from the chair before she could start pacing the room. He pulled her back against his chest and rested his chin on her head as they both looked out over New York City.

"Hey, maybe I was calling him for me. I'm the wounded party here…maybe I needed some counseling…and I thought we discussed the whole William thing this morning. Only my mother and Charlie call me that, and usually when I've done something wrong. Please don't make me start looking at you in the same way I look at Charlie or my mother. I really don't want Habib to start discussing Oedipal complexes with me."

"Fine…when are we going to see young Jacob?" Mackenzie asked him.

"Tomorrow at 10am" Will told her.

"What do you mean…we have to work!"

"Mac, look at my face. There is no way I will be able to be in front of a camera any sooner than Wednesday at best, and even that is doubtful. Look at it this way, we have a nice relaxing evening ahead of us and we can sleep in tomorrow. Although, I'm not sure we should be in the same bed tonight" Will said this last part quietly.

"Are you serious? You think I'm unsafe to sleep next to until we see the doctor?"

"Not unsafe necessarily, but Mac, you have to see the problem here. You do this to me again tonight and we're out of work for a week. We both have contracts to fulfill with ACN and we're on thin ice with Leona and Reese as it is. Making it seem like we're off playing hooky like love-struck teenagers isn't really a great way to ensure our future with the network."

"Logically, I know you're right. But the not-so-logical part of me doesn't really like sleeping without you anymore. It reminds me of what I stand to lose if this doesn't work. " She said the last part so softly he almost couldn't hear her.

Will turned her around in his arms so he could look her in the eye.

"This has nothing to do with us not working Mackenzie…that is not an option. This has to do with you dealing with some pretty monumental events in your life, and with me learning how to help you do that. We're in this for the long haul my dear and a few bumps and bruises are not chasing me away. Now go wash your face and put on your pajamas. We are settling in for the evening, and if we fall asleep together on the sofa then we don't need to worry about who is going to sleep in the guest bedroom tonight, ok?" Will kissed her on the forehead and then left her to get changed.

He returned to the living room to wait for the food to be delivered.

He hoped he sounded a little more confident than he felt, because Mackenzie was not going to be too happy with him when she realized the few pertinent details he had left out during their discussions of her nightly activities. He may need reinforcements for that one.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: I begin this chapter with an apology. Unfortunately, the words aren't coming to me as quickly as they did in the beginning of this story. I blame this on the fact that I watched Lars and the Real Girl the other day for the first time. Let me say, Emily Mortimer was wonderful in it, but I failed to realize until like 25 minutes into the movie that the actor playing her husband is the same guy who plays Brian Brenner. Ugh, I felt like I'd been caught cheating on the Will/Mac ship! I think it has messed with my Will/Mac writing. Also, having to write more Habib dialogue kinda threw me off. I got so used to Will and Mackenzie alone in the apartment that I kind of forgot I would eventually have to write about what goes on in the world around them. I'm doing my best. Oh, and I also apologize for my lack of knowledge about PTSD. I'm certainly not claiming to be an expert…I've tried to do some research but WebMd just can't tell you everything. So if I get some stuff wrong I'm sorry. And in answer to some of the reviewers who took note with some of Will's actions seeming insensitive toward Mackenzie's PTSD, I thank you for pointing that out to me and I will consider it for future chapters, but I just don't think Will would automatically say or do all the right things all the time. He's going to need some guidance too on how to handle this. Ok, super long author's notes now to be followed by super long chapter. Enjoy!**

They had awoken the next morning in a tangle of arms and legs on the living room sofa. Will carefully pried himself from Mackenzie's grasp and went to the kitchen to start coffee. Soon enough he heard her padding toward the kitchen to find him.

"Hey, why did I wake up alone on the couch?" she asked him.

"You were only alone for about ten minutes Mac…I just came in here to start coffee for us so we'd be able to string a coherent sentence together for Habib."

"Are you sure I can't talk you into skipping this whole thing and just spending the entire day in bed?"

"Nice try. As tempting as that sounds, we are keeping this appointment. I don't want to find out what other parts of my anatomy you can turn black and blue in the middle of the night. Your elbows should be registered as deadly weapons by the way" he mocked her.

"I'll keep that in mind if I'm ever reporting from a war zone again" Mackenzie shouted back to him as she headed toward the shower with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Please Lord, just don't let her use those elbows against me after today's session." Will sent up a silent prayer to whoever was listening and hoped Mackenzie would forgive him when he blindsided her with the information he had been holding back.

Two hours later, they found themselves seated in the waiting room outside Dr. Habib's office. Will couldn't help but want to smack the grin off Lonny's face. It wasn't like he _wanted_ the man to accompany them there. Sometimes this whole bodyguard thing made him feel like he was a ten year old being chauffeured around by his mother. Granted, his mother never carried a gun or drove a bullet-proof Escalade, but you get the picture. God, if someone had told him five years ago he would be back together with Mackenzie he would have thought they were nuts. But he really would have had a good laugh if they told him they would be going to therapy together and that they would be escorted there by a bodyguard who practically lived with them. What the hell had happened to his life? Oh who was he kidding…he would do anything for Mackenzie, including not trying to physically remove that smirk from Lonny's face.

"Will, Mackenzie…please come in." Jacob Habib's voice broke Will from his thoughts.

Will was trying to allow Mac to choose where she sat, but suddenly she wouldn't let go of his hand.

"Mac, sit down. We've been here before. Nothing is different this time" he tried to reassure her. She still steadfastly gripped his entire forearm. He gave up and sat down in an armchair facing the doctor's desk, thus forcing Mackenzie to take a seat next to him.

"Mackenzie…Will has told me you're having some trouble sleeping? Has he been making you his famous bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches before bed again?" Dr. Habib asked, trying to lighten the mood of the room. Still, Mackenzie looked silently down at her lap and refused to release her grip on Will.

Realizing this was going to go nowhere fast if he didn't start talking, Will answered for her.

"It's a bit more than trouble sleeping, doc. She also tends to become a tad bit violent during the night. Exhibit A would be my left eye" Will informed the doctor.

"How long has this been going on?"

"Well, really almost since we've gotten back together. But we have no way of knowing what she was doing in her sleep before then, do we?" Will asked.

"Ok, so sleeping has been affected _significantly_. Anything else? Weight loss, changes in appetite, sexual function?" the doctor asked, directing his questions more towards Will since Mackenzie had steadfastly refused to take her eyes off the sight of her hands wrapped like a vice around Will's right hand.

"Well, there have been a couple of other things that may have changed just a bit" Will said softly, almost stuttering with the effort of sharing this information with them. That got Mackenzie's attention.

"What? There's been something else? After more than four months together you finally tell me _yesterday_ that I've been abusing you in my sleep but you wait until now, in the middle of a doctor's office to tell me there's more? Are you trying to get me to start beating you during my waking hours too? Because that option is sounding more appealing by the moment William!"

"Jesus Mac! The first conversation about PTSD went so well, can you really blame me for not wanting to confront you with anything else just then?!" Will shouted back at her.

"Ok, hold on you two. Can we stop this argument for a minute while we deal with what Will has just said? Will, what other symptoms has Mackenzie displayed and why do you think she has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" Dr. Habib interjected.

"I think Mac has PTSD because I've been trying to watch for patterns. There was no rhyme or reason as to what would set her off at first. It happened at her apartment _or_ at mine. It happened before we moved in together _and_ after. It happened when she was overstressed and overtired at work _and_ when she was calm and well-rested on vacation. The one common denominator I see is that, as far as I know, it _always_ happened when Mackenzie was reminded of her time in the Middle East or of her attack there." Will sat back in his chair satisfied that he had proven his case.

"That's a compelling argument you put forth Will, but I notice you only answered the second part of my question, not the first. So what other symptoms has Mackenzie displayed?" Dr. Habib stared pointedly at Will as he asked this.

Damn, Will thought, this man should have been a lawyer. He wasn't supposed to notice that Will hadn't fully answered his question. He was supposed to be bogged down in all the evidence he had just laid out for him.

"Yeah Will, what else is wrong with me?" Mackenzie's question brought Will's attention back to the other two occupants of the room.

By now Mackenzie had released her death grip on his hand and was protectively crossing her arms around herself. Seemingly afraid of what he would say next.

"Nothing is _wrong_ with you Mac! He just asked if I had noticed any changes and I guess I have."

"From the way you're hedging around the subject Will, I'm going to assume this has to do with sex" Dr. Habib remarked.

Ok, here we go…no backing out now, Will thought to himself.

"Some things have changed" he said, testing the waters.

"When you say changed, are you saying your physical relationship with Mackenzie is different than it was six years ago, or different only when she appears to be having difficulty with the events surrounding her attack in Pakistan?" Habib asked.

"I don't know. Both I guess. I mean, of course things have changed from six years ago. We're both older, we've been through hell to get where we are, but we're at a better place in our relationship now than we ever were before. I knew things would be different. And God knows, at first we were both just so desperate to be back together, I don't think a scud missile could have kept us from trying to find every dark corner and unused office in AWM headquarters to sneak away to. But, when Mac started to have these horrible dreams at night, rolling around in the bed clutching pillows and sheets to herself and then lashing out at me I started to realize what else had changed. At first, I thought it was because she was insecure about our future together. Scared that every time could be the last. Then I started to realize it wasn't just that." Will said all of this in a rush, as if afraid he wouldn't be able to make himself continue if he stopped.

"What was it that Mackenzie was doing Will?" Dr. Habib asked. The two men in the room both noticed that Mac had grown quiet but couldn't take her eyes off Will as he described these things she had been totally unaware of.

"Mac, you always liked to look at my face before. When we made love you usually wanted to be able to see me, but it wasn't an absolute necessity. Now it is. At first, I thought it was because we had just gotten back together, but as time wore on I realized it wasn't. You weren't just _trying_ to look at me, to look me in the eyes, you actually wouldn't let me touch you if you couldn't see it was me. Like I said, not always. Most of the time, we were the same we always had been, but if it was a bad day…let's just say certain positions were out of the question" Will trailed off, seeing that Mackenzie had that lost look in her eyes. She wasn't handling this well.

"Mackenzie, you never talked much about your attack here. You and Will both referred to it several times in your joint therapy sessions, but you never really spoke of any specific details. Have you been able to do that with anyone?" Dr. Habib asked.

"Will and I have talked about it. I really don't think this warrants that much attention. I barely even remember what happened. One minute I was doing a sound check for the broadcast and the next I was swept up in the crowds that were protesting. That's really all I remember…being moved along by the crowd, feeling arms and hands and feet all pushing and moving me along. Then I remember a searing pain in my side. I didn't even know what it was. I heard Jim yelling my name and then it all went black. Next thing I knew I was in an army hospital in Germany." Mackenzie had pulled her feet up onto the armchair she was sitting in and had wrapped her arms around her knees. She was staring at the glass paperweight on the desk in front of her as if she had never seen such a thing before.

"Mackenzie, you just told me all that without ever changing your tone of voice. You spoke of the whole incident as if you were watching it happen to someone else. Is this the way she told you about it Will?"

"Yeah, almost verbatim" Will responded.

"Would you two stop talking about me as if I'm not here. I was over there as a journalist. I reported the news. Sure, I saw some things that would shock anyone. And yes, one day, in one moment, I was the victim of a violent attack. I was not a soldier who was exposed to this repeatedly. I wasn't forced to kill in order to save my own life. Those guys get PTSD. I do not have PTSD" Mackenzie told them both forcefully.

"Mackenzie, soldiers aren't the only ones who get PTSD. People who survive physical and emotional traumas get PTSD, foster children get PTSD, survivors of spousal abuse get PTSD. And yes, journalists who return from war zones get PTSD. It doesn't make you any less of a journalist or a woman. It just makes you human" Dr. Habib informed her.

"Why do a few nightmares mean I have PTSD? Wouldn't it be slightly_ abnormal_ for me to have spent twenty-six months in and around a war zone and not come back with a few bad dreams?" Mackenzie directed her question toward Dr. Habib as she now steadfastly refused to meet Will's gaze.

"You're absolutely right Mackenzie. It would be very unusual for someone to have lived through the experiences you did and not come home with a certain level of anxiety and sleep disturbance. But you are still reliving this series of events almost six years later. And your symptoms are interfering with your sleep and with your relationship with your significant other. I would have to assume that, at times, it also interferes with your work as well. I'm going to give you some information to look over as well as a Trauma Screening Questionairre. It helps me assess the level to which these symptoms are affecting your daily life. I'm also going to prescribe an anti-depressant called Elavil. And before you say you don't need it, humor me. If you agree to continue talking to me about this, I want to know that you're going to be able to deal with the increased anxiety and depression that are likely to occur when you are regularly examining your feelings about a traumatic experience, instead of just locking it all away like you have been. The medication will also help regulate your sleep patterns a bit. Make it a little less likely that you'll keep using Will here as a punching bag in the middle of the night." The doctor looked at both of them, trying to see if they were taking all of this in.

"Look you two, given the volumes I have read on the Shakespearean tragedy that your relationship used to be I have to say I'm pretty impressed. You worked through all the issues you had before…the things which drove you apart the first time around. You sought out couple's counseling _before_ you even attempted to put your relationship back together. And now, you trust each other enough to be in here talking about a trauma Mackenzie would much rather pretend didn't happen, and about changes to your sex life that I had to practically drag out of Will with a crow bar." The doctor sat back in his chair and looked at his patients.

"Are we done?" Mackenzie asked impatiently.

"Yes Mackenzie, we're done. Here's your prescription and paperwork. I'd like to see you back here on Monday, with or without Will, that's your choice. Call me before then with any questions or concerns. In the meantime, talk to each other. I can walk you through dealing with trauma and reducing your anxiety Mackenzie, but you don't exist in a vacuum. You live and work with Will every day. And neither one of you are exactly social butterflies. You both have colleagues and acquaintances. Maybe even a couple of friends, but when the shit hits the fan you both seem to turn to each other. Even before you were back together you relied on each other a hell of a lot. Don't be angry with the fact that Will waited until you got here to discuss some of these issues with you. He was scared and wanted some guidance. He wants to help you Mackenzie, remember that."

Mackenzie grabbed the papers from the doctor and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

"Well, it could have been worse. I could have left here with another black eye" Will said as he got to his feet.

"Don't be surprised if tonight is a bad night Will. She's upset right now and that can churn up a lot of buried feelings. Let her get them out…it might do her some good. How are you dealing with this?" Dr. Habib asked Will as they walked toward his outer office.

"I'm fine…just need to invest in more icepacks I guess" Will replied.

"No Will, I'm not asking how you are physically. This isn't bringing up any issues from your past is it?"

"God, what is it with psychiatrists? Everything has to have a deeper meaning. I dealt with my father's demons long ago, ok? And Mackenzie is _not_ abusing me. We have _never_ had that kind of relationship! She wouldn't hurt a fly…she just doesn't know what she's doing when she's asleep. I saw the look on her face when I told her, she was devastated. If anything, this is hurting her more than it is me. She knows about my childhood, it has to be killing her that she hit me. And if you imply to her, in any way, that this is making me relive my childhood I'll have your license so fast your head will spin. Are we clear on that?" Will shut the office door behind him and let his eyes roam over the waiting room. Great, no Mackenzie. Before he could even ask, a grinning Lonny was crossing the room toward him and guiding him toward the exit.

"Man, I don't envy you tonight. She took off with your coat by the way, if you were wondering where both your girlfriend and your outerwear were" Lonny told him. The man was obviously trying to hold back his laughter.

"Do you have any idea where she went?" Will asked him.

"Not really, there was a lot of mumbling and cursing going on…never really caught a full sentence. She's a big girl, McAvoy. Lived all over the world…I'm sure she can find her way back to Park Avenue on her own. Maybe she just needs a little time."

"Gee thanks for that astute observation. I thought you were a bodyguard not a marriage counselor. Maybe you could have paid a little bit of attention to where she was headed?" Will slammed the door of the Escalade as they entered it.

Lonny looked back at him from the driver's seat.

"Look Will, I'm your bodyguard not hers. I like Mackenzie a lot, but my job is to keep _you_ safe, not her. So when she decided to leave the building and you weren't with her, my responsibility ended. Having said that, I don't know how you ended up with a woman like her, but don't screw it up. And don't two people have to be _married_ to see a marriage counselor?"

Will was now trying very hard to ignore Lonny's presence. Don't screw it up?! Yeah, like that thought hadn't crossed his mind in the last couple of years. That's why they didn't rush right back into this. And since when was being concerned for your girlfriend's mental health a punishable offense? Why was he the guilty party here? He was trying to help Mackenzie not hurt her. Damn, he really needed a cigarette. And that's when he realized why Mac had taken his coat…it had his cigarettes and lighter in it. So now she had PTSD _and_ she was smoking again?

This day was just getting better and better.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Notes: I'm giving this chapter an M rating just to be safe, but it hardly seems worthy of it. I tried my best folks…go easy on me. Thanks go out to LilacMermaid for agreeing to beta this one. And bonus points to you if you figure out the quote I used in this story from an Emily Mortimer movie. The answer can be found at the end of this chapter. Read on!**

Will was beginning to become desperate. He had been home for more than two hours and still no sign of Mackenzie. Where the hell was she? Habib was right…they didn't exactly have a long list of close friends to turn to. They worked and they spent time with each other. So where could she be hiding out?

He only realized once he got back to the car that Mackenzie had left her purse there. She had no money, no cell phone and no subway pass. Habib's office was more than twenty blocks from their apartment. For the first time since he had heard about Mac's stabbing he was scared.

First and foremost, he was scared for Mac. She was upset and probably not thinking all that clearly at the moment. He knew she had been all over the world, survived war zones, but right now all he could think was that she was wandering around New York City frightened and alone and he wanted her home. Later he would worry about how upset she was with him.

By 7pm he was getting ready to call the police or Lonny or the head of AWM security. Anything that would give him the feeling that he was doing something and not just sitting here waiting while lord knows what had happened to her. And then suddenly he heard noise from the elevator shaft. God, he had never been so happy to hear an elevator arrive in his life.

"Where the hell have you been?" he practically roared as she entered the apartment. "Do you have any idea the thoughts that have been running through my head the last few hours? I wasn't sure whether you were dead or were leaving me!"

Mackenzie swept past him, lit cigarette in hand.

"And now you're smoking too? You quit almost ten years ago Mackenzie. Please don't pick up a bad habit again just to spite me" he pleaded with her. Though he knew he was hardly one to give lectures on this subject.

"Kill all my demons and my angels just might die too Will" she replied.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean Mackenzie? Making you go to therapy is me trying to change you? I'm sorry if I care about your well-being."

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't consult you as to my whereabouts! Perhaps next time you decide to discuss our sex life without telling me first you will remember how you felt for these last few hours" she responded sharply as she walked past him into the kitchen.

"Mackenzie, you knew what we were going there to talk about. You had to know he was going to ask about other parts of our life! Good lord, do you really think I want to discuss my sex life with a man who is practically young enough to be my son?" he asked her.

"_Your_ sex life?! So then, we're going to be discussing what you do alone in the shower when I'm not available? Great, then I don't have to be a part of any of this!" she screamed at him. She was practically trembling with both anger and exhaustion now. She dropped into one of the kitchen chairs and cradled her head in her hands, dropping her cigarette into a cup of coffee one of them had left on the table this morning.

Will sat in a chair across the table from her. "You know Mac, I'm not doing this for fun. I'm doing this for you…for us. Maybe you could try not to act like this is some sort of punishment I'm heaping upon you."

He looked so utterly exhausted and scared in that moment that it took Mackenzie's breath away. She had scared the hell out of the man who would willingly walk over hot coals for her.

"I'm sorry…you're right. That was a low blow…figuratively and literally" she said, trying to hide the small smile forming on her lips.

"I see you smiling Mackenzie. Can we move past the masturbation and blow job jokes now?" Will was trying to keep from laughing himself. This was why they were so good together. One minute it seemed like they were about to fight World War III and the next they were laughing so hard tears were beginning to form. This was usually followed by mind-blowing sex, but maybe right now wasn't the time.

"I dropped off my prescription at the chemists. I'm trying Will, I really am, but no matter how American you think I am, I really am quite British too. Stiff upper lip and all that. I don't really picture myself spending hours in therapy dredging up every bad experience I've ever had and dissecting them all for a deeper meaning." As she said this she pushed herself up from her chair and sat in Will's lap. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, never wanting to let her go again.

"I know that Mackenzie. You've done this already though. You've talked to Habib…we both have. You can do this, I know you can."

"I did that for _you_ before Will. Because I knew that if we were going to move on we had to deal with all those unresolved issues from what I did to you. I don't have the same drive this time."

"I wish you loved yourself as much as I love you Mackenzie. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. Sometimes, I still think all you see is an insecure little girl or the woman who cheated on me and you're not willing to look beyond that. You are an amazing woman Mackenzie McHale, and I would like to see you value yourself enough to seek this treatment because _you_ need it. Because _you_ are not sleeping well and not functioning your best. But if I have to get you there by reminding you that I don't particularly like being punched in the face in the middle of the night then so be it."

"You are too good to me, you know that?" she asked him as she laid her head on his shoulder.

"Yeah well, I'm an incredible man, what can I say? Now, can we have some dinner please? I don't think I've eaten anything since that coffee and bagel we shared on the way to our appointment this morning. I'm thinking, from the sounds coming from your stomach, that you haven't had anything else either. What's it going to be?"

"Whatever we have left in the fridge. I'm too tired to care right now."

"Leftovers it is then. Do you want the Italian or the Chinese?" he asked as he pushed her off his lap and headed for the refrigerator. When he didn't hear a response he began to turn back toward the table to ask her again, but was suddenly met with an armful of Mackenzie.

"Mac, I can't reheat food with you in my arms, however nice it may be." Still she didn't move. "Hey, are you ok?"

"I don't know. I don't know what I am right now Will. But I don't want food and I don't want to talk about what Habib thinks is wrong with me. Right now I just want you." She began to pull him out of the kitchen and down the hall toward their bedroom, pulling her sweater and blouse off as she went.

"God Mac, please don't make me be the voice of reason here. I'm really not going to be very good at it when all I want is to rip the rest of those clothes right off you, but are you just trying to prove something to yourself or to me here?" Will was trying very hard to think of what was in Mackenzie's best interest. Habib had said she might have a difficult night, was this just her way of trying to pretend everything was fine? As a child, Mackenzie had once told him, she used to be afraid of monsters under the bed. She would never admit it to anyone though. Every night after her parents had tucked her in she would just repeat to herself over and over 'there are no monsters under the bed' until she fell asleep. Was she doing that right now? Repeating to herself over and over that she was fine and had absolutely no issues with intimacy?

"Stop thinking Will…I can hear the wheels turning. I want this, want you. Now please, stop analyzing, that's what we pay Habib for. For once in our lives can we not make this complicated? I know we're going to have to talk about all this. And yes, I am still angry that you blindsided me with some rather important details in that office today, but right now I really don't want to think about that ok? I would very much like it if you would help me take my mind off all of that." She began pulling his shirt apart and working on the button of his pants as she pulled him toward their bed.

"Do I need to be more specific here, Billy? Because you're not moving very quickly." She quirked her eyebrow at him as he stood there watching her undress him. She pulled him to her and whispered in his ear "please Will, make love to me."

To hell with being the voice of reason. He would try that tactic tomorrow. Mackenzie could be very convincing when she wanted to be. And right now the things her lips were doing to his neck were very convincing indeed. She fell back onto the bed and pulled him down on top of her. Before she could get any further, he pulled her face up to look at him.

"Hey, I love you…you know that don't you? No matter what, Mackenzie" he whispered to her.

"I know that…now show me, please" she pleaded in that voice that could make him do anything.

He couldn't help himself. Making love to Mackenzie was an addiction. He really hadn't been that much of a smoker until they split up. He was convinced he had been using nicotine as a replacement for her. How he had lived five years without this he didn't know. Being inside her was perfect and he'd be damned if they were going to lose this. He grabbed her hips and pulled her harder against him as he moved within her. God, he loved to watch her face when they were together. She completely let herself go. Her head was thrown back and her perfect little mouth would begin to chant his name. And then suddenly her back arched and she let out this amazing sound that was somewhere between and sigh and a scream. He could never last long after he heard that sound.

He rolled onto his back and pulled her against him.

"You ok, Kenz?" he whispered into her hair.

"Fishing for compliments?" she asked him.

"No, but if you're handing them out…who am I to stop you? Please, tell me of my sexual prowess?"

"You were amazing…mind-blowing...the best I've ever had! Will McAvoy you are a God among men!" she said, laughing softly.

"You know, giggling after sex does not usually make a man feel particularly virile, Ms. McHale. Give an old guy a break here."

"Old guy my ass. You've still got it McAvoy and you know it. You have drained me, I'm exhausted." Mackenzie punctuated this with a huge yawn and curled up next to him, pulling his arms more tightly around her.

"You know, we have to be at work tomorrow or Reese might actually come searching for us. Humor me and let's try something different tonight" Will said, as he rested his chin on her shoulder.

"First, please do not ever mention the name Reese Lansing when we are in bed together. And second, what exactly did you have in mind? I know you're amazing Will, but you can't possibly be ready to go again tonight? I'm done-in. "

"Ok, sorry I mentioned he who shall not be named in our bedroom. Now roll over and face me" Will told her.

"What? We always sleep like this Will."

And she was right. He slept on the right side of the bed, she on the left. And they almost always fell asleep with him spooned right up against her back…his arms around her. But that's how he got a black eye two nights ago, and he was willing to bet she might be feeling a tad vulnerable tonight, after their little confrontation over therapy. While he was perfectly happy to continue sleeping the way they always had, he didn't think AWM management would appreciate him continually missing work due to facial trauma.

"Reverse spoon Mackenzie" he stated simply. She turned her head to look at him over her shoulder.

"Excuse me?" She was looking at him like he had lost his mind.

"I don't want us to end up hanging onto the edges of the mattress or sleeping in separate beds for fear of what happens during the night. I was thinking about it earlier, and most of the time you lashed out at me in your sleep it was because I pulled you to me in the middle of the night. I think I scared you Mackenzie. I don't like thinking that something that I did to you scared you. This way, we're still close…you can still hold onto me if you want. But if you start dreaming and you don't want to be touched you can pull away from me more easily." Will waited hesitantly for her to turn over.

"Ok, I'm in" she replied and rolled over to face him. "This won't work unless you roll over too, you know" she told him.

"I know. I love you Mackenzie. Sleep well" he said as he kissed her and then rolled over in bed. Soon he could feel her plaster herself against his back. She pressed her face against his neck and breathed in deeply.

"What are you doing, Mac?"

"Inhaling your scent."

"Excuse me, inhaling my scent? Is this your way of telling me to get out of bed and take a shower?"

"No, this is my way of saying shut the hell up and go to sleep. I'm trying to relax here, and I happen to find the scent of the man I love very relaxing" she said into his ear.

"Well, who am I to deny you a moment of relaxation. Inhale away, my dear."

"I love you Will."

"I know Mackenzie…I love you too…good night."

And with that they both settled in and hoped for a peaceful night's sleep.

**Notes: Well, did you find the quote? It was "kill all my demons and my angels might just die too." Emily's character in Transsiberian says this to her husband when he's trying to get her to quit smoking. It's actually a misquote of Tennessee Williams in an interview he did with Playboy. He originally said, "If I got rid of my demons, I'd lose my angels." I loved the line in the movie though and the way Emily Mortimer said it. Just had to borrow it. So now I close with saying I don't own The Newsroom, Transsiberean, or Playboy's Tennessee Williams interview. No infringement intended.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Notes: Sorry it's taken me a while to update this one…real life and writer's block intruding again. Busy week ahead, but hopefully I'll get some time to write. I hope, as well, that lots and lots of new ideas start popping into my head! Thanks for reading!**

Peaceful was not a term either of them would have used for the sleep they had that night. Mackenzie pulled away from him somewhere around 2am and proceeded to take most of the sheets with her. While he was relieved he hadn't awoken to her fist in his face, it wasn't terribly pleasant to find yourself nearly naked and sheetless in the middle of a winter's night in New York.

He got up and grabbed the old quilt Mackenzie kept on the chair in the corner of their room and settled back into bed hoping for a little more sleep. Mac was curled into a ball on the opposite side of the mattress. She was holding one of his pillows over her head as if she was hiding. He could only guess at the dreams she was having…her body was so close to the edge of the bed she was nearly on top of her nightstand. He longed to reach out to her and pull her into his arms, but he feared that would only serve to scare her more.

"I'm here Mac. You're at home…in New York…and you're fine. You're safe Mackenzie. I promise." He whispered this to her from his side of the bed over and over until he fell asleep.

The alarm came far too soon for either of their liking. He could hear Mac groaning as she rolled over in bed.

"Why am I plastered to my nightstand and why do I feel like I ran a marathon last night?" she asked groggily.

"Because you spent most of the night curled so tightly into a ball that I'm amazed you didn't lose circulation in your extremities Mac."

"So, therapy is working wonders already, huh?" she quipped. She sat up against the headboard and tried to stretch the kinks out of her neck.

"Did you think one session would cure you? And if you had bothered to stick around just a few minutes longer yesterday, you could have heard Habib tell you that he fully expected you to have a bad night."

"Did I? Have a bad night that is? Have I injured you any further?"

"No, Mackenzie…you didn't hurt me. You were about two feet away from me most of the night."

"I don't really remember dreaming about anything in particular. I mean, obviously I did, but what it was I couldn't begin to tell you. Billy, why are you wrapped up in my grandmother's quilt?" she asked, cocking her head at the rather odd sight of her six foot three tall boyfriend trying to cover himself with a small pink and blue flowered quilt.

"You decided to curl yourself into most of our sheets and blankets at around 3am Mac. This was the first thing I could find."

"I'm sorry" she said reaching out to pull the bed sheets back up over both of them.

"Hey, I just got up and grabbed a blanket. Easy problem to solve. I didn't know what to do for you though. You didn't look particularly comfortable, but I didn't want to risk scaring you by trying to pull you back from the edge of the bed."

"Probably a good idea. Charlie would kill me if you came in today with a broken nose. I guess seeing Habib is a bit more necessary than I would have liked to think. I get it Will. I'll pick up my prescription today and hope that it does some good tonight" she said wearily.

He knew she hated how most drugs made her feel. She was one of those fortunate people who had barely been sick a day in her life and so almost never had to take medication. When she did though, it usually hit her like a brick wall. He would never forget the great root canal incident of 2005. One damn Vicodin after her dental appointment and she had been so out of it he had to carry her to a taxi and apologize profusely to Charlie's secretary who had returned from lunch to find Mackenzie sound asleep on top of her desk.

"I told you before and I'll tell you again Mackenzie…I won't make you do anything you don't want to do. But you can't possibly feel very well rested this morning."

"Not terribly, no." Just as she said this, her Blackberry began signaling again and again that she had incoming email. "I guess our two days of unscheduled vacation are officially over."

"We'll try to take some actual vacation time soon Mac, I promise" he said as he pulled her into his side.

"That would be nice Billy. I'd like to spend some time away from the studio that doesn't involve psychiatrists or anti-depressants."

He watched her head for the bathroom and hoped those pills would help tonight. He really needed a decent night's sleep soon.

The day progressed quickly. Mac was buried in work for the better part of the morning and early afternoon. When he stuck his head into her office to ask about lunch she just looked at him like he was insane thinking she could leave the building. She asked him to pick up her prescription and something for her to eat.

He returned to find her sitting on the floor of her office surrounded by mounting piles of paperwork.

"Is this a bad time? I brought you lunch, but I seem to remember you behind the desk when I left and now it looks as though you have been brought to your knees by memos and spreadsheets" he remarked taking a seat in the one corner of her office untouched by the tornado that must have come through.

"One of the interns lost paperwork I was supposed to have given to legal for an FCC filing yesterday. I wasn't here so apparently they came in here searching for it and now I can't find anything. This is why I never take vacation time. Inevitably something goes wrong and I have to fix it when I get back. Just leave that on my desk and with any luck I'll get to eat some of it before show time."

"Mackenzie, it's three in the afternoon and you have yet to eat anything today. Take five minutes and sit at your desk and take a few bites of food please" he begged her.

She wasn't sleeping well and now she wasn't eating. The Mackenzie McHale School of Journalism: one must suffer for the news. Well, he sure as hell wasn't enjoying watching her suffer and he didn't really know how much more of it he could take.

That must have shown on his face because she relented and reached for his hand so he could pull her up off the floor. She curled up in his lap and laid her head on his shoulder. They didn't exactly avoid public displays of affection in the office; they just didn't make a habit of it either.

"I'm sorry. It seems all I do these days is make you worry about me. I'm not trying to you know."

"I know that Mackenzie. And part of me will worry about you no matter what happens. I love you, that's part of the deal. But you could try and take care of yourself a bit better too. It might take a little weight of my shoulders to know you cared half as much about yourself as I do."

She tilted her head up to kiss his cheek just as Maggie and Jim decided to burst into her office with twin looks of despair on their faces.

"Uh, sorry guys…didn't mean to interrupt your lunch, or whatever, but our interview for the A block tonight just cancelled on us" Jim informed them.

"We had twenty minutes scheduled for that and now we have to fill it in the next four hours!" Maggie added in a somewhat panicked tone.

Mackenzie got up out of Will's lap and made her way toward her laptop.

"Wait! Everyone stop for a minute. Mackenzie, put the computer down. Jim, Maggie sit. We can all work on this from right here while Mackenzie eats something. Isn't that right Mac?" Will challenged her.

Though he could tell her first instinct was to argue with him, she stopped and set her laptop down on her desk. She grabbed the salad he had set on her desk earlier and opened it and gestured for everyone else to take a seat.

They all managed to cobble together a different layout for the show within the hour and Will called an old law school friend of his who now worked for the ACLU to fill in for that night's discussion of illegal immigration. By the time the evening was over Mackenzie was falling asleep in her chair and Will wasn't looking too much better. They dragged themselves out to their car after bidding the staff goodnight, both silently praying they would have a full night's sleep.

"Pills, Mackenzie" Will said as they made their way to their bedroom a half an hour later. His usually expansive vocabulary was failing him. Though he didn't want to force the medication on her he was silently praying that this was part of the solution. God, he needed sleep.

She picked up the prescription he had filled for her earlier that day and looked at it with disdain.

"I know you're not thrilled about this Mac, but you trust Habib don't you? He said this would help your sleep and would calm some of the anxiety you're going to have trying to work through some of your issues from the stabbing. Please Mackenzie, for once trust the people around you to care for you, ok?"

"I do. I trust you anyway. I know you want what's best for me Will. I trust _you_…the pills and the therapy, not so much" she replied sadly, sitting on the side of their bed.

"I know you don't. So then, trust me when I say I think this will help Mac. Can you just let go of a little bit of control for a while and trust my judgment then?" he fairly begged her.

"I'll try. For you…I'll try Will." She opened the pill bottle and reached for the water he had set on her nightstand.

They both changed out of their work clothes and lay in bed facing each other.

"I love you" she told him, tracing his face with her fingertips.

"I love you too. Feeling sleepy yet?" he asked her.

"Feeling drugged, I think. I've never liked that feeling."

"I know you don't. Just try to relax Mackenzie" he pleaded.

"Roll over please" she slurred to him.

"What?"

"Roll over…reverse spoon remember?"

He smiled at that and turned away from her. Sure enough, she sidled her way over toward him and planted her nose at the base of his neck. Soon, he could feel soft little breaths against him as she fell asleep with her head resting against his shoulder blade.

"Goodnight Mackenzie. I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Notes: Not sure if anyone is still even interested in this story…it's taken me so long to post another chapter. But here it is anyway. Can't promise I'll be any better in the future with updating this one…for some reason it's a bit harder to write. Hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's celebration and as always, I don't own The Newsroom.**

The alarm startled Will from a near coma-like state the next morning. After nearly three days of very little sleep they had finally managed to make it through the night undisturbed. Speaking of undisturbed, the alarm seemed to have had absolutely no effect on Mackenzie, who had somehow managed to drape her entire body over his during the night.

"Wake up Mac" he whispered into her hair. He looked down at her. He was certain they had fallen asleep with her pressed to his back, but this was not an unpleasant way to wake up. Until he realized she wasn't waking up. "Mackenzie!" he shook her.

"What? I'm asleep" she slurred in response.

"You're practically unconscious Mackenzie. How many of those pills did you take last night?" he asked tilting her head back so he could try to look at her eyes.

"I took what the label said. Can I sleep now?" she whispered.

"You've been asleep for seven hours Mackenzie. We both have and while it's been wonderful I would like you to try to get up and string a coherent sentence together before I call Habib and ask him what the hell he gave you!" he was trying not to panic now, but she really was scaring him. Mackenzie was an extremely light sleeper, even under the best of circumstances. Dragging her from sleep was a rare occurrence.

"Coffee" she whispered.

"I'm going to get you coffee Mac, but you need to do me a favor and sit up first ok?" he asked, pulling her upright and propping her up against some pillows.

Will made his way to the kitchen, grabbing his cell phone on the way. Jim's phone went straight to voicemail.

"Jim, it's Will. We have a slight problem. Mackenzie and I will be a little late this morning and that's not going to thrill Reese. We were supposed to meet with him at 9am and I think Mac was supposed to meet with someone from HR after that. I'll do my best to get her there for that, just cover for us until then ok? Thanks."

He finished filling two cups with coffee and returned to the bedroom to find Mackenzie sound asleep sitting up. Making that meeting with HR wasn't looking too promising.

"Ok, Mackenzie. Up and at 'em. Please don't make me do this the hard way, Mac. I really don't relish the thought of holding you up in a cold shower in the middle of January."

He set their coffees on the nightstand and crawled back into bed with her. He turned the television on and turned the volume up rather high and pulled the covers away from her.

"Mackenzie, I will force you to watch Fox Financial News if you don't start making an effort here. Worse yet, I will have Sloan come over here and try to explain it to you simultaneously."

"I'm up…I swear" she murmured.

"That's my girl. Now start drinking coffee and I'll get the shower running" he pulled the duvet from her so she couldn't crawl back under it. That one earned him a dirty look.

The rest of the morning didn't run much more smoothly. Mackenzie fell asleep again the minute they got in the car and he practically had to hold her upright in the elevator. How the hell was she going to make it through the day, he wondered?

She wasn't…that much was clear. She fell asleep during the rundown meeting after reluctantly realizing she would not be able to oversee it. She had dragged herself into the conference room at 11am and handed Jim her notebook and took a seat next to Will, something she never did. By the time the preliminary outline of the show was settled she had fallen asleep leaning up against Will's shoulder. He motioned for them all to leave and woke her a few minutes later.

"Mackenzie, do you want to go home?" he asked her.

"What? Of course not! Why would you even ask me that?"

"Because you spent the last ten minutes drooling on my shoulder" he replied.

"I just need some more coffee. I told you I hated drugs anyway" she pouted and left the room.

The next two days pretty much followed this less than stellar pattern. Will would drag Mackenzie out of bed only to have to force her through her morning routine. He didn't know who was more tired by the end of it.

Mercifully, the weekend arrived and Will watched as Mackenzie slept through most of it.

"Mackenzie, I know you're tired but you have to eat something" he whispered into her ear Saturday night. She rubbed her eyes and settled into the pillows once more. He had practically carried her into the apartment Friday night and put her to bed and she hadn't risen since.

"Come on Mac. Sit up for a minute and at least drink some juice or something" he pleaded with her.

"That's it, you're not taking any more of those pills until you see Habib on Monday" he told her half-asleep form. He wasn't used to this Mackenzie. The Mackenzie he knew was lively and energetic and argumentative and could barely sit still for ten minutes. This, quite frankly, scared him. It was like watching the shadow of someone you loved move about the world unaware.

He sat on the end of the bed Monday morning and watched as she clumsily tried to pull on her blouse. God, he couldn't take it. She hadn't had any of those pills in her system for more than twenty-four hours and still her fingers fumbled with the buttons.

He stood and batted her hands away and began buttoning the blouse for her.

"I don't see why you won't let me come with you" he practically whined.

"Because I have barely been conscious at work the last few days and things are beginning to fall apart. I'm already going to be late today because of this appointment, and one of us needs to be at the office" she responded.

"I don't care about the office Mackenzie. I care about you and if you want me to go with you I want to be there."

"Thank you Will, and I know you want to be there. But it _does_ matter what happens at the office…to both of us. Let's not pretend it doesn't. You can't tell Habib my story for me, so go to work please" she told him and stilled his hands from fiddling with her buttons.

"Call me if you need anything, ok?"

"Always, Will."

She talked a good game, but part of her desperately wanted Will to go with her. She took a taxi to the doctor's office and nervously sat on the front stoop of the building, not noticing the young psychiatrist watching her from his window.

"Just sitting outside my office does not actually constitute a therapy session you know?" he informed his patient as he walked out his front door to join her.

"Jesus Jack, are you trying to drum up business for a cardiologist you know? I thought the object of PTSD therapy was to settle my nerves not scare me half to death!" Mackenzie told him as she tried to still her racing heart. She had been a million miles away when he snuck up on her.

"You want to come in now? You're going to get really cold out here."

They made their way into his office and Mackenzie settled herself into the chair Will had been in last week. She made no motion toward removing her coat or settling in for the long haul.

"Good to see you back Mackenzie."

"Did I really have a choice?"

"Of course, has anyone forced you to come here?"

"Forced, no. Pressured mercilessly, perhaps."

"If you're doing this just to pacify Will, there's really no point. Come back when you're ready Mackenzie" the doctor replied and made a move to stand up.

"I'm not doing this just to shut Will up. However, you may want to reconsider that prescription you gave me. I'm sure Will is thrilled that I sleep through the night now, however I'm not so sure he's thrilled that I also sleep through most of the day as well."

"I can lower the dose. You should have called."

"I should have done a lot of things in my life Jacob…doesn't mean that I have" Mackenzie replied softly.

"We all have regrets and unfulfilled wishes, who's to say our life would have been any better if we had taken the road less traveled?"

"Usually the road less travelled doesn't involve cheating on the love of your life and then running off to a war zone to avoid seeing how much you hurt him" she said sadly.

"Is that really all there is to it? You upset Will so you went to Pakistan?"

"Isn't that why we're here? I went to Pakistan and got stabbed so now you and Will are convinced I have PTSD?" she asked pointedly.

"We're here because some things in your life aren't working for you right now. That, really, is why anyone goes to therapy. "

"Ok, beating the hell out of my boyfriend at night is not working for me, but neither is being so drugged that I can't complete a sentence, so where exactly does that leave us, doctor?"

"That leaves us trying to find the suitable dosage of medication for you and trying to help you find a better way to handle stress in your life."

"I handle stress just fine. I've been doing that since I was twenty-five. The news is a stressful business."

"Actually, I think you've been trying to handle stress on your own since you were a small child. You've done a masterful job at hiding your fears and worries for your entire life Mackenzie. Don't you think it was time you tried dealing with them instead?"

His words stopped her cold. What stresses had she been dealing with as a small child?

"I grew up the daughter of a wealthy aristocrat who traveled the world as an ambassador. I had the kind of privileged childhood most could only dream of. Exactly what stress was I hiding doctor?" she asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You moved constantly. And, while it may be very educational and extremely interesting to be exposed to so many different cultures and languages it can also be very difficult for a child to understand where they fit in to all of that. You were repeatedly dropped into new countries and new schools and expected to adapt. It seems to me you've been doing that your entire life Mackenzie…adapting to every new situation while trying to demand as little help as possible from those around you. Don't you think it's time to figure out what _you_ need?"

"I have everything I need _Doctor_. I have a fulfilling and rewarding career that I love and the man I thought I destroyed has let me back into his life."

"And?" the doctor pressed.

"And what? What more is there?" she asked, honestly clueless as to what more she could possibly need.

"And you're still afraid Mackenzie" he stated.

"I'm not afraid of anything" she almost pouted.

"You're afraid it's all going to come crashing down."

"I am not."

"You're doing an impressive job of hiding it, but you are terrified Mackenzie."

She started to protest again, but felt her chest tightening at the mere thought of her world imploding. She brought her hand to her chest as if that could still her beating heart. She must have looked terrified, because the doctor made his way over to her chair and softly rested his hand on hers.

"Relax Mackenzie and try to take deep, even breaths. You are hyperventilating and you'll be fine as soon as you break the cycle of short, shallow breathing. That's it, just try to relax."

She did as she was told and soon found herself staring at the young psychiatrist, stunned at what had just happened.

"What the hell was that?" she asked.

"That was very nearly a panic attack" he said calmly.

"I don't have a panic attack in the middle of a fucking Taliban uprising, but I have one in midtown Manhattan?" she asked, more than a little shocked.

"Panic attacks aren't always proportional to the stimuli that cause them. Some people find it far easier to deal with larger traumas than with the smaller everyday ones. It's not unusual for a soldier to make it through his tour of duty without a single anxiety attack. But then they get home and are finally free of the huge stresses of life and death situations and find their panic attacks can be provoked by everyday little stressors."

"I told you before, I wasn't a soldier. I didn't deal with the kind of traumas they did" she said defensively. Almost as if she felt she was taking something away from their ordeal by saying hers had anywhere near as much significance as theirs did.

"I know that Mackenzie and like I told you before, you suffered a trauma that you still haven't fully dealt with. And maybe you finally feel safe enough to do that. Maybe that is why all of this is happening now."

She looked down at her hands, folded in her lap, and thought about that for a moment.

"Then why did I have a panic attack just now? If I'm so bloody ready to discuss all this, why am I panicking and why am I lashing out at Will during the night?" she asked.

"Because the one person you want to share all of this with is also the one person you feel like you would be disappointing."

"What?" she asked, stunned.

"In your mind he has suffered enough already. He's had an abusive childhood and was betrayed by the only woman he ever loved. You. And, as much as you want to be comforted by him, you feel like he's endured enough pain in his life and you're not willing to put him through any more. You're doing exactly what you did as a child Mackenzie. You are trying with all your might to pretend nothing is wrong and to live up to the expectations you think your loved ones have of you."

Her first instinct was to say that not one word of that was true, but she stopped herself and just let his words settle in for a moment. She could remember so clearly when she had been seven years old and they had moved back to England and her schoolmates made fun of her muddled accent. At that point it had been a bizarre mix of American, British and South African.

She had run home from school, tears streaming down her face, ready to tell her mother everything awful that had happened at school that day, only to discover no one home. She would find out in days to come that her mother had been in hospital suffering a miscarriage. She never mentioned the teasing and the bullies, and she never again ran home to tell her troubles to anyone.

Much like the way she had never told Will that she had been terrified of how serious they had been getting after a year of dating. She kept her fears and worries to herself until she drunkenly fell into bed with Brian Brenner as a way of dealing with the stress.

Oh God, she was doing it again.

"I need to talk to him" she said desperately.

"Yes you do Mackenzie. Our time's up for today. Let's try cutting the dosage of your medication in half. Take only one pill tonight and I'll see you again on Thursday, ok?" he asked.

"Ok" she whispered, getting up from her chair, still a little astonished at all that had transpired.

"And Mackenzie?" the doctor asked, halting her movement toward the door.

"Yes?"

"He wants to be there for you…through all of it. But don't rush it if you're not ready. He'll be there when you are."

She nodded numbly and made her way out of the office. Why could things never be easy for them?


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Notes: I preface this chapter with an apology for my tardiness. It has been two months since I updated this story and I'm not even giving you a very long chapter here. I swear I will work on getting the next chapter up in a more timely manner. I think the next chapter will be the last. I also want to thank some of the new reviewers who have been showing up after I and some of my fellow writers complained a bit about the lack of reviews. A million thanks for that guys. See, it does make a difference. On with the show…**

Where the hell was she, he wondered? She should have been out of her appointment with Dr. Habib more than an hour ago, and still, she had yet to make an appearance at the office. He'd tried her cell phone but it went straight to voicemail. He'd tried the apartment and there was no answer. She really was trying to give him a heart attack.

"I'll be back in an hour Jim. Start the rundown meeting without us if Mackenzie and I aren't here" he said gruffly to the senior producer as he threw on his coat and punched Lonny's number into his cell phone on the way to the elevator.

"Where are we going?" Lonny asked as he met him in the lobby.

Yeah, where _are_ we going? That was an excellent question, Will thought, because in his determination to find her he had never given any serious thought to what the next step was.

"McAvoy?" Lonny asked, waiting for instruction.

"Yeah, just give me a minute" he replied, leaning against the wall near the building's entrance and searching his head for some clue as to where she could be. Think, Will. You've known her for nearly a decade. Where the hell would she go if she was upset? Then it hit him.

"The Carlyle. We're going to The Carlyle Hotel" he told the bodyguard.

"Please tell me Mackenzie is there and this isn't some afternoon interlude with a cheerleader" Lonny mumbled under his breath.

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response" Will snapped.

Will searched the lobby and the bar and when he saw no sign of her he was nearly ready to leave, and then inspiration struck. The Gallery. Technically, it wouldn't be open for tea yet, but Mackenzie had spent a lot of time at this hotel as a child and he was willing to bet there would still be some kindly old waiter or maître d who would remember her.

He stuck his head into the sumptuous elegance of the two level lounge the hotel used for afternoon tea, and there, tucked back into the corner of the room, was Mackenzie. He watched from a distance for a moment as she swiped her finger into the Devonshire cream and picked at her scone. Sometimes he forgot that these little bits of normalcy from her childhood comforted her. Despite the accent, he mostly ignored the fact that she was British. She was so damn stubborn and exuberant and in every other way American that his mind tended to blot out her other very English qualities.

"Is this a private tea service or can anyone join in?" he asked, trying not to startle her as he walked up to her table.

"I knew you'd find me eventually. You always do" she said quietly.

"Is that a bad thing Mac?" he asked, taking the seat next to her.

"I don't think anyone else has ever known me as well as you do Will."

"Again, I ask, it that a bad thing Mac?"

"No, but you don't know everything. And maybe if you did you wouldn't like what you found" she said sadly.

"Not possible. I love everything about you. Even the way you grind your teeth at night" he told her, wrapping his fingers around hers and stopping her from crushing a defenseless little scone into a pile of crumbs.

"I grind my teeth?" she asked.

"Relentlessly, but only for a few minutes a night. I've learned to live with it. So, what is this deep, dark secret you've kept from me that you think I won't be able to live with?" he asked. Fuck Mac, please don't throw me another curve ball like Brian Brenner. I don't think I could take too many more shocks like that in my life.

"I'm scared Will."

"Of what?" he asked, shocked that Mackenzie McHale could be afraid of anything, other than jelly fish. She always barreled ahead in life so quickly and forcefully that he really had assumed the woman had a pathological _lack_ of fear. It was what kept him awake at night when she had been in the Middle East. The distinctly sickening feeling that Mackenzie had no real sense of self-preservation.

"I'm scared of everything Will. I'm scared I'm going to fuck up the show and you'll hate me. I'm scared that I'll get pregnant and be a terrible mother. I'm scared that I never _will_ get pregnant and you'll begin to resent being with a woman who never gave you a child. I'm scared that when I go to sleep at night I will dream of that day in Pakistan when I thought I was going to die and I thought I was never going to see you again and I'm scared that you'll see that I'm not really as strong as you think I am and that will disappoint you. And mostly I'm scared that I will fuck us up again and you will never be able to forgive me."

She curled in on herself a little and dropped her head into her hands as if hiding from him. He had absolutely no clue what to say. He was stunned. When they had gone to counseling with Habib before, he thought they had worked through all this. They had put all the cheating and mistrust behind them and built a new relationship together. At least, he assumed they had. What the hell had they been doing there if not that?

But as he looked back, he didn't think he could distinctly remember a single session in which most of the focus hadn't been on building _his_ trust with Mackenzie again…on untangling _his_ feelings of betrayal. Sure, they had talked in some detail about why Mac had cheated and what she could do in the future to discuss her fears of intimacy with him. But they had never really delved as deeply into Mackenzie's psyche as they had his. Shit! Here he was thinking he was the model of a modern, supportive boyfriend and in reality he was an asshole!

"What else Mac?" he asked, pulling her into his arms as well as he could in the tiny corner of the restaurant.

"What do you mean what else?" she asked, sniffling into his coat lapel.

"What else are you afraid of? The dentist, confined spaces…do you worry that someday Reese Lansing will burst into our bedroom while we're having sex and try to re-negotiate our contracts? Because I have to tell you, that is one of my deeply disturbing reoccurring nightmares" he whispered into her hair. She laughed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

"You're not mad at me?" she asked.

"For what? For being afraid of the same things all of us are? For not being superhuman? Or for loving me so much that virtually every one of those things you listed comes right back to your fear of being without me?"

"Yeah, all of that. Are you mad that I've been keeping all that from you Will?"

He sat back and thought about that for a second. Actually, he _was_ mad.

"Yes. I am angry with you Mackenzie. Angry that you've been dealing with all this for months, maybe years, and you haven't let me in. Angry that you've let yourself suffer needlessly all this time when we should have been working on this together. And angry that you have not been taking care of the most important person in my life…you."

"But" she started and he placed his finger over her lips to shush her.

"But nothing Mackenzie. First of all, we haven't even talked about kids…we never did. So if that's something that freaks the hell out of you then it's off the table. _You_ are my family Kenz, not some imagined future child. If we both decide we want that to happen, that's fine, but until then _you_ are my priority. So stop obsessing about that one. Second, I never thought you were superhuman. You are wonderful and caring and strong and resilient but everyone needs a little help every now and again, including you."

He smoothed the hair back from her forehead and kissed her.

"So, you're going to keep seeing Habib and talking to him about whatever you need to talk to him about and you never have to tell me any of it if you don't want to. But if you _do_ want to, then I'll be sitting at home waiting for you to lean on my shoulder and bare your soul, ok?"

She nodded into his shoulder.

"I don't know if I know how to do that though Will. We never did that in my family" she whispered.

"And you think that we regularly sat around and discussed our feelings in my hellish household? We never did Mac, but I realized after you and I broke up that if I didn't tell _somebody_ what I was feeling then I was going to end up a drunk, abusive asshole just like my father. And, as angry as I was with you at the time, some part of me secretly hoped that we would be back together someday. And I wasn't going to be a drunk, abusive asshole when that happened."

She kissed his cheek and grabbed his chin between her finger and thumb and looked into his eyes. "You could _never_ be a drunk, abusive asshole Will McAvoy."

"Maybe, maybe not. We'll never know now, because you're back and I would never do that to you Mackenzie. And what I need you to promise me is that you will do whatever it takes to make you whole and healthy and well."

"Ok" she said quietly.

"No, not just ok Mac. I want a strong, determined yes from you. You are going to start taking care of yourself. If not for you, then for me. Promise me" he said determinedly.

"I promise" she said strongly.

"That's more like it. Are there more scones?" he asked.

"Of course, but we have to get back to the office."

"Nope, not today. There was nothing on tonight's show that can't wait until tomorrow. It's a slow newsday. We're taking a mental health holiday" he told her, reaching for the teapot and pouring himself a cup.

"What! Will, we can't do that. You need to be on the air in seven hours!" she exclaimed.

"No I don't Mackenzie. We can throw to tape tonight. You look like hell, your hands are still shaking and I need a day at home with my wife to make sure she's alright before I can do my damn job, ok?" he asked, waiting for the argument that was sure to come.

"Mac?" he asked, a little stunned that she hadn't said anything. "Mac…what's wrong?"

"You just called me your wife" she told him.

"I did? Oh well, I don't know….I guess I _do_ think of you that way most of the time. I mean, girlfriend sounds a little ridiculous at our age don't you think? And significant other? Who the hell says that in daily conversation?"

"Me. I say that in daily conversation Will. Because last time I checked you _weren't_ my husband" she told him.

"I know that Mackenzie. Christ, I don't know what I'm saying, but we're not talking about this right now. We are going to sit here and have tea and then we are going home and staying in bed all day and watching whatever the hell is on tv in the middle of the afternoon and making love and ordering in dinner. And if you feel like talking to me for a little while before we go to sleep then that's all the better. And if you don't, well then, you'll talk to Habib on Thursday and you'll tell _him_ whatever it is you're afraid of or worried about. And someday, when you're ready, you'll tell me."

"Ok Billy. Give me another scone then. This one looks disgusting" she said, glaring down at the mushed up pile of crumbs on her plate.

"Mac?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"What the hell _is_ on television in the middle of the day?"


	10. Chapter 10

_Several months later_

Mackenzie knew she was in that nebulous world between sleep and waking. She could feel herself drifting and she wanted to reach across the mattress and grab Will's hand but she couldn't. She saw the crowd in the dusty center of town, surging forward toward her, and for some reason her dream self didn't seem to be aware of it. And then she felt the searing pain in her side and the ground rushing up at her and she couldn't breathe.

"Will?!" she shouted out in the dark of the bedroom and bolted upright.

"What? I'm right here Mac" he whispered, grabbing her hand and pulling her back down against him.

"I'm sorry. Do you think I woke anyone else?" she asked, trying to slow her breathing by leaning her head against his chest and taking deep breaths of the unique scent she associated with Will and sleep and love and safety.

"I don't think so. You weren't that loud. Bad one this time?" he asked, wiping her sweaty hair away from her forehead.

She just nodded her head against him. They were staying with some old friends in Montauk for the week and Mackenzie had worried the change in schedule and bed might spur some nightmares. It had. But thankfully all these months of therapy at least meant that, usually, she could talk to Will about them when she woke. And, mercifully, she had stopped lashing out at him in her sleep. Most of the time, he had told her, she now clung to him instead.

"Pakistan or something else?" he asked. He knew that the most vivid nightmares were reserved solely for her time in the Middle East. But every now and again, she had told him, other things got mixed in as well. Dreams where he died or he left her. Dreams where Leona fired them both for some mistake that she alone had made. Or something happening to one of the young associate producers when they made the choice to cover news out in the field. Mackenzie carried so many burdens on her shoulders and he hoped she was learning she didn't have to do it on her own. Not anymore.

"Tell me" he whispered, rubbing her back and pulling her closer into his side.

"The worst ones are when it seems like I'm falling. That's what it felt like to almost die Will. It wasn't peaceful and my life didn't flash before my eyes. It just felt like that awful sensation you get in a dream when you think you're falling. I think that's what scares me most. That dying is just horrible and scary and painful and there is nothing else after that. Do you think that's what it is Will?"

Shit Mac, you sure do know how to ask the big questions don't you? How the hell do you answer that one in the middle of the night, without sounding trite or overly philosophical? Or just sleep deprived and pessimistic?

"I don't think you were dying Mac. That's my best answer to that one. Maybe I'm wrong or maybe I just can't imagine a world where I exist and you don't, but I don't think it was your time to go that day. You had too much left to do and we had too much unfinished business left between us. So, that falling feeling you had…that wasn't what dying feels like Mackenzie. That was what getting shocked into action feels like. That was what a jolt of realization feels like. That was your body keeping you alive until you could get back here and kick my ass into gear and fix us and fix the news. That's what that was Mac."

"Was that the only thing you could think of at two in the morning or is that what you really believe Will?" she asked, wearily.

"Maybe both. I don't know Kenz. I don't have all the answers but I really like to think that if it's your time to go, it _is_ peaceful and calm. So that day in Pakistan? It just wasn't your time to leave me yet. And I hope to God that day doesn't come any time soon" he told her kissing her forehead.

"I love you too Billy" she told him.

Ever since that startling revelation in Habib's office on a cold January day, she had been doing her best to share her feelings with Will. At first, it was a struggle. She was not now, nor had she ever been, a sharer. Neither was Will, really. And so they slogged through several months of therapy trying to break down those walls and let each other in.

When she woke in the night, gasping for breath, she had to force herself not to jump out of bed and sit by herself in the living room waiting for her heart to stop racing before she tried to go back to sleep. No, that was not going to be the solution to their problems. She learned to calm herself through deep breathing exercises Habib had taught her. And then, cautiously, she would reach out for Will.

Sometimes all she wanted was to touch him and reassure herself that he was there and they were together and safe, at home, in New York City. But, as time went on and therapy eased her fears of reaching out to others for help, she found herself tugging on his hand and whispering his name. He would wake and listen to her tell him about her dream until they both fell back to sleep curled up against each other.

"It's nice out here. Quiet and slow…not like the city at all" she whispered to him.

"Yeah, and it would drive you insane after a couple of weeks Mackenzie."

"Probably" she said. They had enjoyed these last few days with Marc and Isobel, friends of Mac's from university. Will hadn't seen them since he and Mac had split up all those years ago, but they were soon all laughing and sharing stories like they had never spent any time apart. That's what good friendships were, she thought. Relationships that could survive time and distance and changes and still be there when everyone was ready to return.

"Emma's a handful" Will chuckled. Marc and Isobel's five year old daughter _was_ a handful. She was loud and energetic and boisterous. And, quite frankly, she was exhausting.

"I don't think I can do it Will" she said so softly he almost didn't hear her.

"What?" he asked.

"Kids. I know you said it didn't matter, but if it does I just want you to know now, before we're in any deeper. I don't think I can do it."

He watched her silently. And waited.

"I see Isobel, and I know she loves her daughter, but there's this look she gets sometimes like she wonders where everything else went. She's forty-three and she's exhausted Will. I'm already forty now and I don't think I want whatever time I have left with you to be that."

He waited again. He knew there was something she wasn't saying, because if Mackenzie wanted a baby she wasn't going to let a little fatigue get in the way.

"And I think, if you decide to have a child, it should be something you absolutely know with certainty you can't live without. You should know that you want that little person to become the center of your universe and you should be positive that you are ready to handle it. Anything less is unfair to the child. Don't you agree?"

"I do" he said solemnly.

"I don't think that's us Will. I'm still working through PTSD and a sometime's totally fucked up sense of self-worth. It's taken me months to get to the point I'm at now and I still don't think I'm anywhere near normal in the interpersonal communication department. And you can barely talk to me about most of your childhood."

He nodded against her hair. "And what else Kenz?" he asked, because he knew there was something she wasn't saying.

"And I can't _not_ have what we have now Will. We worked too hard and too long to have us and I'm not ready for that to change. For anyone, not even our child. I love working with you and I love going home with you. I see other couple's come back from a few days of vacation and they're nearly ready to kill each other if they don't get out of the same car. That's not us Will. We spend twenty-four hours a day together and sometimes I still think it isn't enough. Do you know what Sloan said to me the other day?" she asked him after her breathless monologue.

"What?" he asked, not sure he wanted the answer. Sloan was forever trying to insert herself in their personal life. It would be amusing if it weren't so damn annoying.

"She said I even smell like you."

"What?" he asked, chuckling.

"I don't know. Maybe I used your soap that day or had worn one of your old sweaters when I was sitting around the house. The point is, we've become this almost comical, joined at the hip couple and I like it Will. I really like it. And when I picture my future the only thing I see is doing the news with you until we can't do it anymore and then getting a house like this. Maybe in the Hampton's, maybe in the Lake District. Or maybe a house in London and we could go to the theatre every fucking night. I don't care where we do it, but that's the only future I want. Is that ok, Will?"

"Are you done now?" he asked, pushing her hair back from her face and wiping the tears that had begun to form.

"Yes" she said quietly.

"First off, I don't think I want to know why Sloan knows what I smell like. And secondly, I'm over fifty years old Mackenzie. If having a child had been a priority in my life I should have started focusing on it a little earlier. And if you don't want to have children, then the subject is certainly closed for me now. Because without you I don't have a family anyway. And that whole idea of doing the news until we retire to a beach house somewhere sounds like a pretty damn good one to me. I'm in if you're in" he told her firmly, taking her pinky finger in his and locking them around each other.

"Will?" she said almost meekly, looking up at him from where she was pressed against his side.

"What Mackenzie?" he asked, wondering how many more life changing decisions she could possibly want to discuss before the sun even came up.

"Will you marry me?" she asked, wrapping her hands around his.

"What?!" he asked, shocked beyond words.

"Will you marry me? You know, be my husband, my other half, the old ball and chain? Will you marry me William Duncan McAvoy?" she asked, now sitting up on her knees and looking down at him.

"Damn it Mac! Do we even share a brain now? Can't I plan one single, fucking surprise anymore?" he mumbled, getting up out of bed and searching through his overnight bag.

"I'm sorry! I just love you, ok?! And I want to share the same last name, and file joint taxes, and be able to call you something other than my _boyfriend,_ because it sounds ridiculous and juvenile and not at all appropriate to describe what we are to each other. Is that too much to ask?!" she shouted.

"No. It's not too much to ask Mac, but you ruined the whole thing! Now I have to improvise and you know how much I hate to deviate from a plan" he told her, grasping a small box in his hand and kneeling down next to the bed.

"Mackenzie Elizabeth McHale, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" he said, looking up at her, crouched on the bed in her nightshirt, hair a disheveled mess and she had never looked more beautiful….or shocked.

"But, I wanted to ask you" she whined.

"And you did. Now I'm asking you. Want to try giving me an answer before my knees give out?" he asked, smiling at her childish pout.

"Yes!" she said happily and scooped the ring out of the box. Not the ridiculous farce of a ring he had showed her all those months ago in his office, after the team did some dirt digging on him. No, he had told her all about that one. And she had forgiven him…after he donated it to a charity auction. _This_ ring was perfect and beautiful and new and she was never taking it off.

"Kenz?" he asked, still kneeling on the floor.

"Yeah?"

"Can you help me up now?" She bounced out of bed, sniggering at his struggle and pulled him up onto the mattress and then pounced down onto him.

"Can we please get out of here tomorrow and go to a hotel?" she asked him.

"Sure, but we told Marc and Isobel that we'd be here until Friday" he reminded her.

"I know that and I've enjoyed seeing them, but I'm tired of spending our time off with three other people. And I'm tired of eating Macaroni and Cheese as a side dish to every meal because its Emma's favorite. And, most importantly, I'm tired of being in a bedroom right next door to a five year old and trying to be very quiet and not wake her up. I want to go get a suite at The Ocean Dunes and celebrate our engagement without worrying who will hear us."

"I'll call first thing in the morning" he whispered, pulling her firmly against him.

"And Will?" she asked.

"What Kenz?"

"Just remember…I asked you first" she whispered into his neck and kissed him as she fell asleep.

**Author's Notes: Well, we've finally reached the end of this one after more than four months! Sorry it's taken me so long to finish it, but at times, this story was a more difficult one to write than some of my others. Maybe because it touched on very real-life issues that I didn't want to trivialize, and so, I hope in taking my time to complete this, I haven't offended anyone who has experience with issues like PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc.**

**Let me also say, for those who might feel that this was not the ending you were hoping for, well I really just wanted to write a different happy ending for Will and Mac here. Not everyone's idea of happily ever after is two kids and a dog in the suburbs, it certainly isn't mine. And that's ok…everyone's entitled to their own decisions. And I wanted to portray the idea of a having a child as the monumental decision it is. Some people very wisely realize it might not be the best choice for them. **

**Ok, that was my rant for the day. I will stop pontificating now and move on to the thank yous. Serious thanks go out to my new little group of readers/writers/friends at the Newsroom Writers Group. You know who you all are. It's been so much fun talking to you guys and getting feedback on my stories. Thanks a million! And to all the rest of you readers…thanks for sticking it out and waiting for me to get up off my lazy behind and finish writing this. It's been a blast!**


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